10:40 PM
25 Facts About BDSM That You Won’t Learn In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”
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| Credit: www.buzzfeed.com |
1. First
things first: Here’s what BDSM actually stands for:
BDSM
includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S),
and sadism & masochism (S&M). The terms are lumped together that way
because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with
different preferences, BDSM writer and educator Clarisse Thorn, author of The S&M Feminist,
tells BuzzFeed Life. Most of the time, a person’s interests fall into one or
two of those categories, rather than all of them.
2. It
doesn’t always involve sex, but it can.
Most people
think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others
draw a hard line between the two. “Both are bodily experiences that are very
intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who
practice them, but they’re not the same thing,” says Thorn. The metaphor she
uses for it: a massage. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just
a massage. For others, a rubdown pretty much always leads to sex. It’s kind of
similar with BDSM; it’s a matter of personal and sexual preference.
3. There
is nothing inherently wrong or damaged with people if they’re into
it.
This is one
of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM, says Thorn. BDSM
isn’t something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, and engaging in
it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing.
Instead,
enjoying BDSM is just one facet of someone’s sexuality and lifestyle. “It’s
just regular people who happen to get off that way,” sex expert Gloria Brame,
Ph.D., author of Different Loving,
tells BuzzFeed Life. “It’s your neighbors and your teachers and the people
bagging your groceries. The biggest myth is that you need this special set of
circumstances. It’s regular people who have a need for that to be their
intimate dynamic.”
4. Know
that you can always say no.
“A lot of
people starting out think it’s ‘all or nothing,’ especially if you’ve only been
with one partner,” says Thorn. For instance, you might think that because you
enjoyed being submissive under certain circumstances, that means you must agree
to a whole host of submissive or masochistic behaviors that you’re not
necessarily into.
But that’s
absolutely wrong. You can — and should — pick and choose which BDSM activities
you are and are not interested in, says Thorn. And that can vary depending on
the situation, the partner, or even the day. Just remember that consent is
a requirement in BDSM, and it’s possible to consent to one thing while still objecting
to another.
5. BDSMers
are just as stable as people who prefer vanilla sex.
“In my
experience, it’s easier for people to get into BDSM if they don’t have a
history of abuse, people who are in a more stable place in their lives,” says
Thorn. A 2008 study
in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who had
engaged in BDSM in the past year were no more likely to have been coerced into
sexual activity and were no more likely to be unhappy or anxious than those who
didn’t do BDSM. And actually, men who engaged in BDSM had lower scores of
psychological distress than other men.
That said,
BDSMers do not judge people who aren’t into it, explains Thorn. The term
“vanilla” isn’t meant to be derogatory, just to refer to non-BDSM sexual acts
or people who aren’t interested in kink.
6. Fifty
Shades of Grey is considered very cringeworthy in the BDSM community.
If you ever
find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don’t mention any shade
of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in
kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive,
unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in
all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.
7. It’s
not all whips and chains all the time — or ever, if that’s not your thing.
Sure, some
S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it’s definitely not
everyone’s cup of kink. “Some people go for what’s called ‘sensual dominance,’
which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all,”
says Brame. “It’s more like one partner agrees to do everything the other
person asks. BDSM doesn’t have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model
for what a BDSM relationship can be.”
8. BDSM encounters are called
“scenes.”
Again, since
it isn’t always about intercourse, you wouldn’t necessarily say that you “had
sex” or “hooked up” with someone after a BDSM experience. Instead, these are
called scenes (like, you scened with someone or you had a scene).
“It’s an
evolution from a time where, if you did S&M, you might only do it with a
professional for an hour, or you might just see it performed at a BDSM club,”
says Brame. “Now people have much more organic relationships, but they still
call it a scene — the time when we bring out the toys or get into that
headspace.”
9. There are dominants,
submissives, tops, and bottoms.
So you’ve
probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys
being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may
also use the terms “tops” and “bottoms” to describe themselves. A top could
refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a
bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving
pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like
being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there’s no
rule that says you can’t be both dominant and submissive in different
circumstances or with different partners.
10. It can be as simple or as
technical as you want.
Maybe the
thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked.
Or maybe you’re more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax.
All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically,
you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon.
11. Before you go past the VERY
basics, do your research.
Using a
blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you got at a bachelorette party are
all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you’re into them. But before you
play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so
safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re
doing.
Hell, you
can even mess up with your own hands (think: fisting): “[Some people] think
they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody,” says Brame. “That’s a
good way to really injure someone and send them to the hospital.” (Instead, she
suggests an “enormous amount of lubricant” and starting with two or three
fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand.)
12. Seriously, BDSM involves A
LOT of reading and learning.
If you’re
one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the
bookshelf on intuition alone, BDSM is probably not for you. “I would say the
vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and
minimize risk,” says Brame. “How to do all the things you fantasized about
doing and to do them safely.”
While
there’s no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are
often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by
Jay Wiseman, Screw
the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming
Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton.
Classes,
conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques,
says Thorn. Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network
for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and
classes in your area.
13. It’s important to get your
information from a variety of sources.
One mistake
many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to
show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they
might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that
is so multidimensional, says Thorn. Instead, seek out books, workshops,
meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to
explore your interests.
“When you
can’t talk about what’s happening and you can’t make sense of your experience
with like-minded people, that’s way more dangerous than the variety of
activities you might fantasize about,” says Thorn.
14. Safe words are definitely a
thing.
It might
sound cheesy, but it’s a well-established norm in BDSM. (And hey, your safe
word could actually be “cheesy” if you want. You do you.) “Safe words
are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the
community, even if people use them in different ways,” says Thorn. For
instance, not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it’s
important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as
long as it’s something that you wouldn’t normally say during sex. You
can find more info about safe words here.
15. And at some public events,
there are even safety monitors on duty.
“Dungeon
monitors will kick out people who don’t look like they’re playing safely,” says
Brame. This can be anything from ignoring safe words to using a whip
incorrectly. Seriously, did we mention that safety is paramount here? In fact,
the acronym SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is one of the most common pillars of
the practice.
16. It’s not as spontaneous as
Hollywood movies or porn make it out to be.
Getting
swept up in the moment and accidentally stumbling into a millionaire’s red room
(where you’ll have multiple orgasms) is probably not going to happen to you
ever. But, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. “The sexual fantasy makes everything
look so easy,” says Brame. “People who actually do this stuff are very cautious
about it. It has to be the right place and right time and right equipment. And
you have to know you can get the person out [of whatever bondage] if there’s an
emergency. You have to feel you can trust the person.” So there’s a lot that
goes into one scene, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less satisfying for those
who enjoy it.
17. There’s also probably way
more talking involved than there is with (most) vanilla sex.
Whenever
people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous
amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. “We
talk about it hugely before we ever do it,” says Brame. “We talk about what we
want to do, what we’re going to do, what our fantasies are… that’s part of
negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer.”
18. There’s actually a
pre-negotiation period, where the partners discuss what they like, what they
don’t like, and what they absolutely will not tolerate.
Think of
this as the primer before the scene. “It’s a way of discussing the experience
ahead of time that can increase emotional security,” says Thorn. This can
involve anything from scripts and checklists to
a more informal discussion of what each person’s expectations are for the
scene, what they want and don’t want, and any words or actions that are
completely off-limits.
19. And then comes aftercare,
the debriefing period that happens once the scene ends.
Since BDSM
can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for some, most experts
strongly suggest this wrap-up step, where the partners can discuss the scene
and any reactions they had to it. “People are extremely vulnerable during
aftercare,” says Thorn. “It can be really weird to have a scene without it.”
This can also be a strong bonding experience between the partners.
20. BDSMers can be monogamous,
polyamorous, or whatever the hell they want.
Not everyone
who’s interested in BDSM has multiple sexual or relationship partners. “It used
to be a popular perception that we don’t form long-term relationships,” says
Brame. “A lot of BDSMers are just monogamous people. A lot of people just want
to do it with their partner or play with the big toys at clubs.”
21. There are so many different
types of whips.
This is not
a one-size-fits-all kink. There are light floggers, leather whips, whips with
single tails, whips with multiple tails that are flat and wide, the list goes
on, says Thorn. But because certain types can be harsher than others, you
really need to learn how to use them properly (again, workshops are crucial).
“People practicing with a single-tail whip will often start with a pillow or
some distant small object, like a light switch,” she says.
22. And there are some places
that you definitely don’t want to whip.
Like, um,
the eyes, obviously. Or the kidney area. “The skin is thin there and you have
vital organs under there. You can bruise your kidneys,” explains Brame.
23. If you want to bring it up
in your current relationship, absolutely do it.
“There are
plenty of stories out there of people who were too nervous to bring it up and
then found out that their partner had the same fantasy,” says Thorn. If you’re
nervous about it, ask if they’d be interested in checking out a particular book
or workshop you heard about. Or just talk about it in the context of sexual
fantasies by asking your partner if they’ve ever tried anything like BDSM or if
they’ve ever wanted to. If you think about it, you’re only risking one awkward
conversation, and the payoff can be huge if this is something you want in your
life.
24. There is an immensely
helpful list of kink-aware professionals so you can find a doctor or therapist
who uniquely understands your lifestyle.
Maybe you’re
worried that your gynecologist or your lawyer won’t be sensitive to your
lifestyle or doesn’t allow you to feel comfortable talking about it. Check out
the Kink
Aware Professionals Directory from the National Coalition for Sexual
Freedom to find someone who will be more accepting.
25. Basically, it’s way
different than most people expect.
Between
stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s a lot of
misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting
a dominatrix, the best way to learn more about it is to do some research.
“Just like with regular sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to
learn about what’s going on when this stuff is happening,” says Brame.
By: Casey Gueren
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